Posted Saturday, May 10, 2008 8:56 PM
Well, close to it. I had a girls/babies weekend in Chicago! With whom you might ask? Five darling nesties! That's right I met up with 5 of my closest friends from the nest and we took Chicago by storm...well, we at least left a mess behind us. (You could follow the trail of cheerios I left at Midway airport). All our babies were born in 2007 and we have all known each other for nearly a year or more now.
Seriously how adorable is that? And don't ask about the hell we went through to get a pic of six babies in various stages of mobility. Can you imagine the fear on waiters' faces when we walked in? And just as heads up, if any of you plan to do this, tack another day onto your trip because you'll spent most of your time trying to get kids in and out of cars, restaurants, stores, hotels...you get the picture.
It was a great weekend to get away with the people who are always there for me. Even if tomorrow totally sucks, I have such a great memory for my first Mother's Day weekend!
Posted Wednesday, May 07, 2008 2:16 PM
I've been feeling very maternal lately. It tends to happen this time of year. I'm getting ready to say goodbye to two classes of students and I've found that they need me for more than a grade, they have been looking to me for guidance lately. I've had several tell me that I must be the coolest mom, because I am so open and accepting, because I talk about the things no one else will.
So I should be looking forward to Mother's Day, right? Knowing my husband's propensity to wait until the last minute, I have been reminding him of it since about 4:05 p.m.June 2, 2007.
But now that it's here, I don't care. I don't really want to celebrate. I'm meeting some friends in Chicago on Thursday and having a girls weekend. I decided to go when I broke down during a Zales commercial the weekend of my miscarriage.
The thing is - I feel like a bad mom. This is stupid, because I am a good mom. Deep down I know that. I feel guilty, though, for being sad about the miscarriage when I have a wonderful son. It's a strange place to be. I don't feel like I fit in right now with the friends who are thinking about ttc who have children, but I feel uncomfortable on the pregnancy loss boards. What right do I have to be there? I have a son. I should be thankful.
And I am thankful. I adore James, but I'm missing the other baby. It doesn't help that all those pregnancy hormones are slowly exiting the building and I'm suddenly faced with emotional shifts, break-outs, and a month-long "period." I'm having a hard time getting back to work on my business and writing papers. I'm just taking it slowly and not pushing myself.
It's just that I feel like a failure for not being able to carry the second baby and worried about what that means for the future. I'm rational and educated and I know better, but the love that comes with being a mother is very irrational. It only took a pink line to make me fall in love with that baby after all. Despite all of this, I know that no matter what I have my James in my arms and my angel in my heart, and what mother wouldn't be happy about that?
Posted Monday, May 05, 2008 2:54 PM
My friends have babies on the brain, I do not. Well, not in the same way. It's getting to that point for many of us when TTC is coming up. Most of my friends have children around James' age, and I understand the compulsion to want to think about it. I had been thinking about it a lot in the last few months as well. DH and I had joked about it. We both knew it wasn't great timing financially and professionally, but we were both ready to start thinking about #2.
And #2 came along with no planning and no trying and what would have been no stress. Not like James. It was exactly how I wanted to get pregnant the second time and then I lost the baby. Now the whole relax and let it happen plan is shot to hell.
But what's killing me is the talk of babies. Suddenly every one is talking about HPTs and temping and charts, and I'm a wreck. I love my friends. They are amazing women and they were there for me when I miscarried. But I want to scream "Stop with all the baby talk! It's killing me!" But how can I? I understand they are excited. I understand they want babies. I want another one too, but I don't begin to know when I physically and emotionally will be able to try again.
I suppose I feel left out. How stupid is that? But it's more than that. It's different than being the girl left out at recess. I can't describe it. It's feeling robbed and cheated - feeling as though I have been violated and constantly reminded of it.
I wish them all the best, but I'm not sure when I'll crack.
Posted Saturday, May 03, 2008 11:46 PM
I love my husband, but I'm hurt as his ability to move on so quickly.
Other than to ask how I'm doing or give me a hug, he has shown no
emotion about this loss. He was excited at the ER when they confirmed
the pregnancy. We joked about minivans and Christmas, but once it was
clear how serious the situation was, how unlikely it would be that I
would keep the baby, he became reserved. When we found out for sure the
baby was gone, he was more concerned for me.
He's been
supportive. I shouldn't complain. And yet, part of my sorrow is that I
feel so wholly alone in this grief. I don't want him to hurt and yet I
want to know he's sad too. I'm not sure he is and that hurts me deeply.
I
know pregnancy is different for men and women. He was never the type to
hold my belly or talk to the baby in utero. He did, however, get me
take-out, medicine, go to childbirth classes, clean, and take care of
me. But I was always a little sad that I alone bonded with our unborn
child. I longed for him to want that connection then and I wish he had
wanted it with our angel. The weekend we waited for the news of the
miscarriage, I ached for him to reach out to my belly. To acknowledge I
was pregnant if only for a moment.
But that moment has passed.
There is no child in my womb. But I loved that child and I miss that
child, although he was never really mine. And I wish I could share that
with someone.
Posted Thursday, May 01, 2008 12:30 PM
I've been trying to pinpoint exactly why having a miscarriage is so
hard. In my case, I didn't even know about the baby until it had
already started. Sure, I was given a lot of hope by the doctors at the
ER and friends, but deep down I knew the pregnancy wasn't viable. And
yet, I hoped. I found out my due date (Christmas Day). I imagined how
James would look at his little brother or sister.
As women, we
fill our lives with what-if's and hypotheticals. We worry about the
next meal, the next year, and the next decade all at the same time. For
the first time in my life when I go to bed, I don't spend 30 minutes
pondering that day and the next and the one after, but only because I
am too tired from keeping up with James! Instead my waking hours are
spent physically and mentally multi-tasking. I never stop thinking. I
never stop planning.
When we went in for our follow-up sonogram,
the doctor came over to the hospital to go over the results. She said
some thing then that really hit the nail on the head. It really
encompassed all the feelings I had been grappling with for the last
week, "For women, when that second line comes up, it's not positive.
It's an entire future."
That is certainly true. That's
why it aches. No matter how bad the situation was last week, I still
found myself pondering that future. It was unexpected and surprising,
but I was ready for that future.
Posted Thursday, May 01, 2008 12:25 PM
is that it leads to some very irrational thoughts. We found out Friday
we were having another baby, but since I had been bleeding off and on
since the 12th, I tried not to get too excited. Monday, it was
confirmed that we lost the baby.
I had tried not to be too
hopeful or too excited. But when I had looked up my edd, I was due on
Christmas and I just knew that meant I would have a Christmas miracle.
I was wrong. I'm not angry at God or the doctor or my husband, mostly
just mad at myself for wanting to believe it could still happen.
So
I've been rationalizing it all to myself in attempt to understand why
it happened. Why did I lose the baby? Why should I have hope? Why did I
take the test?
So far, in no particular, irrational order, I've
come up with: I lost the baby because I am still breastfeeding. I lost
the baby because I am too stressed out. I lost the baby because I eat
too much fast food because I am too stressed out to cook. I lost the
baby because I cleaned out the cat box and ate a turkey sandwich. I
lost the baby because my hormones are nuts. I lost the baby because
something is wrong with me. I lost the baby because its bad timing. I
lost the baby because I wasn't in tune with my body.
See how a rational mind can become very irrational when rationalizing? I mean the cat box and turkey sandwich?
Posted Monday, April 28, 2008 6:53 PM
Are you familiar with the Auden poem, "Funeral Blues?"
"The Stars are not wanted now.
Put out every one.
Pack up the moon
And dismantle the sun."
That's how I feel today. We lost our little Christmas surprise.
Posted Sunday, April 27, 2008 7:19 PM
I never noticed before how similar those 2 words are. As of this moment, I am pregnant. If I'll be pregnant tomorrow is another question. I had what I assumed was my period on the 12th - 19th...sometimes heavy, giving way to spotting. Then this Tuesday I started spotting again, followed by a brownish discharge. I finally called and left a message with my doctor Thursday. She called back on Friday and told me it was just a "blip" and not to worry. Well, I had a feeling it was more than a blip, so I took a test. It was positive. I immediately began crying, assuming the worst. I called the doc back and the nurse told me to go to the ER. I need a rhogham shot, blood tests, and an ultrasound.
Long story short, I'm waiting. My hcg was only 90, but we're not sure hoe far a long I am. Apparently, an u/s wouldn't show anything, so I have to wait until Monday for a blood test. Hopefully my numbers will be doubling! Please keep my little bean in your prayers. He or she is due on Christmas Day if my calculations are correct!