Posted Sunday, July 06, 2008 4:16 PM
We had a great 4th of July with Meaghan. We went to a party at Michael's grandparents house and got a chance to see all of his granparents great grandchildren. I'm going to blow up the photo and give it to them for their upcoming 52nd anniversary in August. While Michael's grandma was holding Meg, his grandfather sat down next to her, looked at Meg and all the family eating, talking and laughing and said "It's hard to believe that we started all of this." It was so touching and I'm sure it was amazing for them to see not only the children they created, but their grandchildren and great grandchildren. Now as a parent myself, I can only imagine the enormity of that feeling. I look at Meg and I can't believe that I created one little person, much less an entire family. After his grandfather said that, I responded "And thank you for it, without you, I wouldn't have my husband or my daughter." It made me very grateful to these two people who had raised my husband into the great man he is.
Afterwards, we went to my aunt's house- my youngest cousin graduated high school and was having his graduation party. It was so nice to get to see all my aunts and cousins and my grandparents. My grandfather, who lives about 3 hours away, isn't in the best of health and we don't see him very often, so it was a treat that we got to see him and that Meg got to meet him. He really seemed to enjoy her and was genuinely happy for us. (This is the first great grandchild out of 4 to be born to married parents- a big deal to the older folks!) Meg was passed around non stop and I actually began to miss her by the end of the afternoon! We got lots of family pictures, which I'm so happy about. I'll have fun scrapbooking them!
We finished partying around 6 and went home to do our typical routine of bath, book, music and bed. I didn't miss the fireworks at all- just enjoyed being with the ones we love.
As I promised, here's Meg- looking adorable as usual!
Posted Thursday, July 03, 2008 2:12 PM
I promised the long version a while ago, I've finally just had the chance to post it!
Meaghan’s Birth Story
On Monday, May 19, I had a doctor’s appointment and was scheduled for an ultrasound to check and see how much Meaghan weighed. I took my stepmom, Janine, with me because she had not gotten to go to any of the prior ultrasounds. I picked her up; we had breakfast and showed up to my 9 a.m. ultrasound appointment.
The ultrasound was fascinating, as usual. Meg was breech, bent in half, with her legs up by her head. The technician was taking measurements and predicted a weight of 6 pounds, 4 ounces. But as she was measuring amniotic fluid, she became very quiet. She had me move to try and find pockets of fluid and spent a long time looking for fluid. She finally got up and told me to go into one of the exam rooms to wait for the doctor. Janine went into the waiting room and when the doctor came in a few minutes later, she sat down and said “We found a problem with the ultrasound. The baby doesn’t have any fluid around it. I know that we haven’t talked about a c-section, but you are going to have to have a c section.”
My reply “You mean, like, tomorrow?”
"No,” she said “today. Did you eat breakfast?”
"Yes,” I said.
“Then I’ll schedule the c-section for 4. It’s a good day to be born- it’s my birthday!” Dr. J left the room to call the hospital to set up the c-section. I asked the nurse to go and get Janine for me. When she came into the room, I asked to borrow her cell phone to call Michael. I tried his cell phone and when he didn’t answer, I called the school and asked to talk to him. When he answered, I told him that Meaghan was going to be born today and that he needed to leave school. He sounded very anxious and I told him to meet me at home.
As soon as I got off the phone, I told Janine what was going on and we had to wait for all the arrangements to be made. We had to be at the hospital at 2 and surgery was schedule for 4.I was extremely calm and the doctor, nurses and Janine all commented on the fact that I was very calm going into this situation. I knew that everything will be ok and I was excited to see the baby. On the way home, I called my mom, Becky, Colleen and my dad to tell them the baby was coming.
When Janine and I got home, I began to get ready. The day before, I had cleaned the house, gotten Meg’s room all ready and made sure her bag was packed. It surprises me even now that I had everything ready for her arrival. The only thing we hadn’t done was to install the car seat. Once Michael arrived, we packed up the car and headed to my mom’s house. We picked up my mom and dropped Janine off (she would be coming up later with Dad) and I drove us to the hospital. Mom was very excited and Michael was nervous. He was very busy with school and coaching and was not expecting her to come so soon!
Once we got to the hospital, we went up to labor and delivery and they prepared me for the surgery. Once everything was ready, I was wheeled into the operating room while Michael waited outside while I received a spinal anesthetic. They were starting the operation when Dr. Jhaveri called out “Where’s Dad?” and they went to get Michael. Originally, Michael was sitting near my head. Gradually, he looked over the curtain and was fascinated by the surgery. One of the doctors actually said to him “You have to step back or we’ll hand you a scalpel and you can help.” Meaghan arrived at 4:51, butt first, weighing 5 pounds, 3.9 ounces. The first thing Dr. Jhaveri said was “It’s still a girl!” She came out screaming bloody murder and Michael immediately left me and went over to her. Because of the low fluid, the deontologist was in the room. Her one minute apgar was a 7 and her five minute apgar was a 9. Michael said that immediately after birth, she had her legs stuck out to the sides and wouldn’t do one of the reflexes where she pulled her legs in. She had been so cramped that she just wanted to spread out. Michael said she looked like she was covered in chalk. The doctors debated about sending her to the NICU, because she was grunting and working hard to breathe. They let Michael hold her and then I was allowed to hold her before she was taken away to the NICU.
They took me to recovery and Michael went with Meaghan to the NICU. He came back after they had her in her isolette and I was taken on a gurney to the NICU to see her. I held her hand briefly and was taken to the postpartum floor. I didn’t get to see her again until Tuesday. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever been through. I wanted nothing else but to hold my darling baby, but I wasn’t allowed to. She look so vulnerable in the isolette, although she looked so large compared to the other babies in the NICU. She was on oxygen- 40%, then 25%, then 23%, then room air because she was tachyipnic (breathing very fast) and it wasn’t until Wednesday night that I got to hold her again. She had a tube in her nose to feed her and an IV in her hand that they covered in a tiny plastic medicine cup because she pulled out her first IV. She took to breastfeeding after they removed the feeding tube, although she needed a nipple shield because her mouth was so small. I pumped a lot so she could have breastmilk when I wasn’t there. Meaghan and I spent a lot of time holding hands, since I couldn’t hold her very often. We both held on tight to each other! Michael and I did get to hold her occasionally and we spent a lot of time just sitting looking at her. She was my inspiration to start walking after my c section, just so I could go see her.
I had to leave on Friday and they thought that she would go home with me, since she had met her milestones- eating well, keeping up her breathing and maintaining her temperature- but her jaundice levels were up to 14, so she had to stay while I went home. They put her under the lights, with little shades on her eyes, but free of her IV and feeding tube. I left late on Friday night and returned Saturday morning at 9. I was at the hospital all day and into the evening and repeated the same schedule on Sunday. It was so hard for me to leave her in the hospital while I went home. Thankfully, on Sunday, they let us take Meaghan home with the promise that we would return to the hospital for another jaundice level the next day. When we left, she weighed 4 pounds, 13 ounces. So tiny! We were so thrilled to bring her home and are so glad that she is finally here.
Posted Tuesday, June 24, 2008 7:21 PM
Meg was born early due to a condition called olgiohydraminos. Olgiohyrdaminos is basically amniotic fluid that is so low that it impedes the survival of the baby. We had no idea that there was anything wrong, except that now, looking back on it, my weight gain was always a lot less that I would have thought. That pleased me at the time, but now it makes more sense. Meg's fluid was so low that during the c-section, even the doctors commented on how when they broke the bag that Meg was in, there wasn't more than a few teaspoons of fluid! Apparently it was caused by my placenta, which was 20% dead at the time Meg was born. (!) My doctor told me that it is rare- especially such a serious case of it- and she has only seen 2 cases of it in her 15 year career- my case and another woman who lost her baby because of it.
So, now I arrive at my secret fear and guilt. I know that I can't control what my body does, but I feel so terrible. I feel like I somehow failed as a mom- being unable to provide a healthy environment for Meg before she was born. I can't help but to wonder what I did wrong or if there were signs that I missed. It makes me fear having another baby. I haven't told anyone but Michael about this, but he is forever the optimist and can't understand why I'm worried about a pregnancy that won't happen for at least another year. But I can't help it. Maybe it's a manifestation of baby blues, but I can't escape the nagging feeling that if we had another baby, that maybe it would happen again to that baby. We got really lucky that Meg was old enough to be born, but what if it happened again and the next baby was born way too early? Could I live with the guilt of knowing that I got pregnant with a baby that has a high likelihood of having the same conditon? My doctor said that if and when we had another baby, I would have ultrasounds every other week, but I just don't know if that is security enough for me. For all the time I spent in the NICU, I couldn't imagine having a baby as small and sick as some of those babies were. I am so grateful that Meg is healthy and wonderful, but I have such fear. I plan to talk to my doctor in depth at my 6 week check up next week about this condition, but there is so little information. Until then, I will tuck my secret fears and guilt away- given that I am way too busy with my 5 week old to dwell on them- except in those quiet moments that are few and far between.
Posted Thursday, June 19, 2008 10:06 PM
I'm thrilled to say that Meg is a month old today! I can't believe how much she's grown in just a month. I can only imagine what another month will bring! She's up to 7 pounds and 19 inches long, up almost 2 pounds and 2 inches from birth. She's gotten to be quite the little chub, but I know that she's getting what she needs. Look how cute she is!
I, on the other hand, am not getting what I need- sleep! I am shocked at how little sleep I can survive on, but I crave it. I fantasize about sleeping in, comfy pillows and soft pj's. I guess that makes it slightly worse, but a girl can dream can't she? Oh wait, I haven't dreamed in at least a month! I just keep reminding myself that most babies sleep through the night around the time they reach 11 pounds, so I only have four more pounds to go. So just about the time I head back to work, she should be sleeping. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the lovely daydreams of a fluffly white comforter...pj's...sleeping horizontally..
Posted Saturday, June 07, 2008 7:43 PM
I thought I knew it all. I read everything and intellectually, I thought that I had it covered. I "knew" what to expect and felt that I was prepared. Boy was I wrong. First, I love this child more than I ever expected. I knew that I would love her, but the depth of my love for her is amazing! Every inch of her takes my breath away. Her noises and faces are so fascinating! I could watch her for hours. No other thing or person in my life means so much to me. Second, a person can survive and even function reasonably well on 3 hours of sleep- even 3 hours of sleep that were not in a row. Sleep can be as delicious as Ben and Jerry's Rainforest Crunch (my favorite, now extinct, ice cream!) I had 5 hours last night, thanks to pumped breast milk and my wonderful husband. I can still run a household, make dinner for my inlaws and carry in groceries 2 1/2 weeks after sleep deprivation and a c-section! I can't remember anything for the life of me, but there are far worse things! Third, taking an infant anywhere requires at least an two hours of preparation.
Example: Leave time is 11:00 am
9:00-9:15 packing the diaper bag 9:15-9:40- getting her bathed and ready, 9:40-10:00- feeding her 10:00-10:30-getting me showered and ready 10:30-10:45- nurse her again 10:45-11- make sure I have everything for her, my list & calendar, water for me, get her in the car seat and finally leave.
Why didn't I know this before?
Posted Sunday, June 01, 2008 7:40 PM
I have been the lucky mom to 2 fur babies for the last 8 and 5 years respectively. This morning, my 5 year old puppy, Maia, passed away. She had been fighting a horrible disease called megaesophagus for the last year and she finally lost her battle with the pnemonia it caused. I was holding her when she finally stopped breathing. I was up all night with her and got in the last cuddle and told her that I loved her and that it was ok to let go, since I knew she was so tired. I'm so glad that she's not in pain anymore and that she doesn't have to fight anymore, but I'm so overcome with emotions. First, my baby is born early, is in the NICU and a week after she finally comes home, my beloved Maia dies. I miss her so much already. I almost feel like I am going to see her when I walk around a corner or into a room. I know that many people would say that she was just a dog, but she was my baby. She was one of the most loving, intelligent, sweet dogs that ever walked the face of this earth. She cuddled like a champ and was always enthusiastic, even as she got close to the end. I'm so glad that she doesn't hurt anymore and I truly believe that she'll go to heaven, but I am so sad for Michael and I. I would give anything to have her back, even for a moment, just to kiss her little face and stroke her angel soft ears. The hole in my heart is a gaping wound right now- a wound that just won't heal anytime soon.
Dear God,
Please take care of my little Maia. She loves to have her ears stroked and to have the sides of her face kissed. She'll watch the squirrels all day long if you let her and she needs to be snuggled when it gets cool. Please love her as much as we did, although I know you already do, because you ended her misery. Please reassure her that we love her when she misses us and that we will meet again someday. She just has to wait for us.
Posted Saturday, May 31, 2008 1:09 PM
Meg came home from the NICU last Sunday and we are so thrilled to have her home. She's now 12 days old and I can't imagine what I did with my life before her. I am so amazed by the love I feel for her. I just look at her while I'm nursing and almost want to cry. (Ok, I have cried, but I think it's the hormones!) She's doing well, eating like crazy and unfortunatly, has her days and nights mixed up. But it's so worth every moment.
The picture below is from us getting ready to go home from the hospital. It took 3 adults to get this child dressed to go home. I figure that the look on her face says "I can't believe that they are letting these amatures take me home?!?! They can't even dress me!"
Posted Sunday, May 25, 2008 4:54 AM
I realized that I didn't add any pics of my darling baby girl! Here they are!
This is Meglet and her Daddy- minutes after she was born. She already has him wrapped around her little finger!
Meg at six days old- kangarooing!