On the road to pregnancy and baby #1

How on earth can I go back to work?

2008-08-20T11:13:00Z

I am constantly asking myself this question. I now have 6 days of vacation left with my daughter and the thought of leaving her makes all my internal organs twist into a horrible knot. Logically, I know she will be fine and truthfully, she will be more than fine- she will be great. My mother and stepmother are watching her with my grandparents in law as back up. They love her and will take care of her better than anyone else besides Michael and I. I have plenty of milk pumped already and my class schedule is perfect for pumping- breaks in all the right places. Meg will develop relationships with people other than just Michael and I and will become more flexible with having more than one caregiver. This job enables me to have all weekends, holidays and a 3 month summer vacation with my daughter- which is so much more than most people have.

Logic is great. But it doesn't help that leaving her makes my heart hurt. I can't imagine how hard it will be being away from her all day. Is she going to feel abandoned when I'm gone? How awful will it be for her to have her mommy disappear after she has spent her entire life (thus far!) being no more than a bedroom away from me? I'm torturing myself, I know. I just feel so bad and I don't know how to reconcile the logic with the emotion.

Meg, at 2 1/2 months old (pic inside!)

2008-08-01T18:28:00Z

My little Meg is quickly approaching 3 months old and I am shocked at how fast she grows and develops. She is smiling now and babbling. This morning, she was still in her crib upstairs while I was making coffee downstairs. Via the moniter, I hear her babbling, so I sneak upstairs only to see her conversing with a stuffed giraffe that Michael had stuck in her crib before he got in the shower! She was looking at him and just chatting away! She is becoming much more social- interested in people, faces, the dog, her mobile, etc. When we talk, often she will insert some sound, like her famous "ai"! She is also sleeping longer at night. For about the last week, every night, we give her a bath, I nurse her in a rocking chair while we listen to instrumental music and once she's asleep or almost there, I put her down in her crib to sleep. After that, she will sleep anywhere from 5-5 1/2 hours. When she wakes up, I change her and feed her in the dark and put her back down where she'll sleep for almost another 4 hours. We had her baptized on Sunday as well and she was an angel through it all. I just can't believe she is getting so big!

Confessions: More things I wish I had known about motherhood

2008-07-27T12:09:00Z

All things I have learned within the last 10 weeks...

1. You can survive on 5 non-consecutive hours of sleep. It may not be pretty, but you can!

2. Don't worry about "nipple confusion" too much. Meg used breast, bottle and pacifer from the beginning and hasn't had any trouble so far. Also, Michael enjoys the chance to bond with her while bottle feeding.

3. Frozen dinners were great. I spent a couple of Sundays before Meg was born making meals to pop in the oven- a brilliant idea that I will probably continue doing as time goes by.

4. Don't criticize how Daddy does it. Michael has his own way with her, and while it may not be the way I do it, sometimes it's better! (Michael is the burp master!)

5. Sleeping with your child happens. I can't count the number of times that Meg & I have fallen asleep on the couch. She sleeps on my chest- another faux pas- as she sleeps on my chest on her tummy. She sleeps better and longer. You do what you must to survive!

6. Breastfeeding is demanding and not always pleasant. I have spent most of the last 10 weeks damp with my breasts out almost all the time. It's hard to go places, as I won't breast feed in public. When we do go out, if I have to feed her, I spend a lot of time in the car covered in a blanket or give her a bottle of expressed breast milk. If she gets a bottle, my breasts ache. I am happy to give my baby girl what she needs, but there are days that I pray to done breastfeeding.

7. Your body will never be the same. I may have lost all my baby weight plus a little more, but my pants still don't fit and I have a roll of extra skin around my waist. My body doesn't look like it used to anymore and I'm having a hard time feeling like me again.

8. There is no greater love in the world than that for my child. My love grows with each toothless grin, quiet moments while nursing, during playtime and while watching her sleep. In creating her, we created a family- strengthening the bond between Michael and I as parents to this little one. I continue to work towards being a better person in order to be a better mother to this child- to be the best example for her.

The learning continues....

Going Organic?

2008-07-25T16:05:00Z

This mom thing is pretty new to me and I've been doing a lot of reading to try and get a grasp on all the things that I don't know. The idea of baby food came up at Meg's 2 month appointment and ever since, I've been doing a lot of thinking of what I'll be putting into Meg's little body. I spent 9 months avoiding junk food, hot dogs, bleu cheese, etc., eating lots of veggies and getting lots of exercise and I've continued this during the time that I've been breastfeeding. I realized that I want to continue to give Meg the best food that I can find for her when she starts solids. With all the reading that I've been doing, I'm thinking of buying and making organic baby food for her when the time comes. From what I've read, it seems very easy to make homemade baby food with my blender, food processor, and ice cube trays. Plus, a lot of the recreational activities we do with our family involve picking fruit and veggies- we picked organic blueberries on Tuesday and we pick apples, peaches and pumpkins every year. Plus, I like knowing what is going into my baby- no added chemicals, pesticides, colorings or flavorings.

The only struggle I have with this is the lack of support I feel from my friends with children and some members of my family. I have been told that it is silly, takes too much time, jarred baby food is perfectly fine, and have been called a "Bree Vandecamp" wanna be. I certainly don't want to start mommy wars and I don't think that any mommy is less valuable because of the way she feeds her child- breast or formula, organic or not. It's just difficult not to have the support that I would like. The good news? Throughout my life, I've never followed the crowd and hopefully that will help me ignore those who doubt.

My Meg- happy as can be in the front carrier while we picked blueberries!

2 months old already!

2008-07-22T09:58:00Z

I can't believe my little Meg is two months old already! She's getting so big- at her doctor's appointment yesterday, she weighed 11 pounds, 4 ounces and had grown to 23.5 inches long. This may sound pretty average, but my little peanut was 5 pounds, 3 ounces and 17 inches long at birth, so in the span of two months, she has more than doubled her birth weight and grew almost 7 inches. She's also so alert and fun to be with now. I think her first whole month with us, she just slept and ate- growing took up a lot of energy for her. Now, she's awake and I see so much more of a personality! She still looks so much like Michael. I took a picture of them last night, both of them flopped on the couch, staring at the tv with the same expression on both of their faces! Too cute!

As for me, I am dreading going back to work. I still have about 5 weeks, but I can't imagine how I'm going to leave her. I just can't imagine being without her all day, 5 days a week and only getting to see her in the evenings. I broke down and just sobbed about it last week. I will miss her like crazy. I know she will be in good hands, my mom and stepmom love her and will take great care of her, but I still wish it could be me with her all the time. And, I know it sounds stupid, but maybe she will love me less or won't be as attached to me once I go back to work. I just remember working at a daycare when I was in college and the kids would not want to go to their parents at the end of the day! That would kill me. And honestly, if there was any way for me to stay home, I would. I just keep trying to remember that it will be fine and that right now, the best thing that I can give her is a roof over her head, food, a college fund, etc.- things that require me to have an income.

4th of July (Pic inside!)

2008-07-06T20:16:00Z

We had a great 4th of July with Meaghan. We went to a party at Michael's grandparents house and got a chance to see all of his granparents great grandchildren. I'm going to blow up the photo and give it to them for their upcoming 52nd anniversary in August. While Michael's grandma was holding Meg, his grandfather sat down next to her, looked at Meg and all the family eating, talking and laughing and said "It's hard to believe that we started all of this." It was so touching and I'm sure it was amazing for them to see not only the children they created, but their grandchildren and great grandchildren. Now as a parent myself, I can only imagine the enormity of that feeling. I look at Meg and I can't believe that I created one little person, much less an entire family. After his grandfather said that, I responded "And thank you for it, without you, I wouldn't have my husband or my daughter." It made me very grateful to these two people who had raised my husband into the great man he is.

Afterwards, we went to my aunt's house- my youngest cousin graduated high school and was having his graduation party. It was so nice to get to see all my aunts and cousins and my grandparents. My grandfather, who lives about 3 hours away, isn't in the best of health and we don't see him very often, so it was a treat that we got to see him and that Meg got to meet him. He really seemed to enjoy her and was genuinely happy for us. (This is the first great grandchild out of 4 to be born to married parents- a big deal to the older folks!) Meg was passed around non stop and I actually began to miss her by the end of the afternoon! We got lots of family pictures, which I'm so happy about. I'll have fun scrapbooking them!

We finished partying around 6 and went home to do our typical routine of bath, book, music and bed. I didn't miss the fireworks at all- just enjoyed being with the ones we love.

As I promised, here's Meg- looking adorable as usual!

The long version of Meg's birth

2008-07-03T18:12:00Z

I promised the long version a while ago, I've finally just had the chance to post it!

Meaghan’s Birth Story

On Monday, May 19, I had a doctor’s appointment and was scheduled for an ultrasound to check and see how much Meaghan weighed. I took my stepmom, Janine, with me because she had not gotten to go to any of the prior ultrasounds. I picked her up; we had breakfast and showed up to my 9 a.m. ultrasound appointment.

The ultrasound was fascinating, as usual. Meg was breech, bent in half, with her legs up by her head. The technician was taking measurements and predicted a weight of 6 pounds, 4 ounces. But as she was measuring amniotic fluid, she became very quiet. She had me move to try and find pockets of fluid and spent a long time looking for fluid. She finally got up and told me to go into one of the exam rooms to wait for the doctor. Janine went into the waiting room and when the doctor came in a few minutes later, she sat down and said “We found a problem with the ultrasound. The baby doesn’t have any fluid around it. I know that we haven’t talked about a c-section, but you are going to have to have a c section.”

My reply “You mean, like, tomorrow?”

"No,” she said “today. Did you eat breakfast?”

"Yes,” I said.

“Then I’ll schedule the c-section for 4. It’s a good day to be born- it’s my birthday!” Dr. J left the room to call the hospital to set up the c-section. I asked the nurse to go and get Janine for me. When she came into the room, I asked to borrow her cell phone to call Michael. I tried his cell phone and when he didn’t answer, I called the school and asked to talk to him. When he answered, I told him that Meaghan was going to be born today and that he needed to leave school. He sounded very anxious and I told him to meet me at home.

As soon as I got off the phone, I told Janine what was going on and we had to wait for all the arrangements to be made. We had to be at the hospital at 2 and surgery was schedule for 4.I was extremely calm and the doctor, nurses and Janine all commented on the fact that I was very calm going into this situation. I knew that everything will be ok and I was excited to see the baby. On the way home, I called my mom, Becky, Colleen and my dad to tell them the baby was coming.

When Janine and I got home, I began to get ready. The day before, I had cleaned the house, gotten Meg’s room all ready and made sure her bag was packed. It surprises me even now that I had everything ready for her arrival. The only thing we hadn’t done was to install the car seat. Once Michael arrived, we packed up the car and headed to my mom’s house. We picked up my mom and dropped Janine off (she would be coming up later with Dad) and I drove us to the hospital. Mom was very excited and Michael was nervous. He was very busy with school and coaching and was not expecting her to come so soon!

Once we got to the hospital, we went up to labor and delivery and they prepared me for the surgery. Once everything was ready, I was wheeled into the operating room while Michael waited outside while I received a spinal anesthetic. They were starting the operation when Dr. Jhaveri called out “Where’s Dad?” and they went to get Michael. Originally, Michael was sitting near my head. Gradually, he looked over the curtain and was fascinated by the surgery. One of the doctors actually said to him “You have to step back or we’ll hand you a scalpel and you can help.” Meaghan arrived at 4:51, butt first, weighing 5 pounds, 3.9 ounces. The first thing Dr. Jhaveri said was “It’s still a girl!” She came out screaming bloody murder and Michael immediately left me and went over to her. Because of the low fluid, the deontologist was in the room. Her one minute apgar was a 7 and her five minute apgar was a 9. Michael said that immediately after birth, she had her legs stuck out to the sides and wouldn’t do one of the reflexes where she pulled her legs in. She had been so cramped that she just wanted to spread out. Michael said she looked like she was covered in chalk. The doctors debated about sending her to the NICU, because she was grunting and working hard to breathe. They let Michael hold her and then I was allowed to hold her before she was taken away to the NICU.

They took me to recovery and Michael went with Meaghan to the NICU. He came back after they had her in her isolette and I was taken on a gurney to the NICU to see her. I held her hand briefly and was taken to the postpartum floor. I didn’t get to see her again until Tuesday. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever been through. I wanted nothing else but to hold my darling baby, but I wasn’t allowed to. She look so vulnerable in the isolette, although she looked so large compared to the other babies in the NICU. She was on oxygen- 40%, then 25%, then 23%, then room air because she was tachyipnic (breathing very fast) and it wasn’t until Wednesday night that I got to hold her again. She had a tube in her nose to feed her and an IV in her hand that they covered in a tiny plastic medicine cup because she pulled out her first IV. She took to breastfeeding after they removed the feeding tube, although she needed a nipple shield because her mouth was so small. I pumped a lot so she could have breastmilk when I wasn’t there. Meaghan and I spent a lot of time holding hands, since I couldn’t hold her very often. We both held on tight to each other! Michael and I did get to hold her occasionally and we spent a lot of time just sitting looking at her. She was my inspiration to start walking after my c section, just so I could go see her.

I had to leave on Friday and they thought that she would go home with me, since she had met her milestones- eating well, keeping up her breathing and maintaining her temperature- but her jaundice levels were up to 14, so she had to stay while I went home. They put her under the lights, with little shades on her eyes, but free of her IV and feeding tube. I left late on Friday night and returned Saturday morning at 9. I was at the hospital all day and into the evening and repeated the same schedule on Sunday. It was so hard for me to leave her in the hospital while I went home. Thankfully, on Sunday, they let us take Meaghan home with the promise that we would return to the hospital for another jaundice level the next day. When we left, she weighed 4 pounds, 13 ounces. So tiny! We were so thrilled to bring her home and are so glad that she is finally here.

I'm afraid

2008-06-24T23:21:00Z

Meg was born early due to a condition called olgiohydraminos. Olgiohyrdaminos is basically amniotic fluid that is so low that it impedes the survival of the baby. We had no idea that there was anything wrong, except that now, looking back on it, my weight gain was always a lot less that I would have thought. That pleased me at the time, but now it makes more sense. Meg's fluid was so low that during the c-section, even the doctors commented on how when they broke the bag that Meg was in, there wasn't more than a few teaspoons of fluid! Apparently it was caused by my placenta, which was 20% dead at the time Meg was born. (!) My doctor told me that it is rare- especially such a serious case of it- and she has only seen 2 cases of it in her 15 year career- my case and another woman who lost her baby because of it.

So, now I arrive at my secret fear and guilt. I know that I can't control what my body does, but I feel so terrible. I feel like I somehow failed as a mom- being unable to provide a healthy environment for Meg before she was born. I can't help but to wonder what I did wrong or if there were signs that I missed. It makes me fear having another baby. I haven't told anyone but Michael about this, but he is forever the optimist and can't understand why I'm worried about a pregnancy that won't happen for at least another year. But I can't help it. Maybe it's a manifestation of baby blues, but I can't escape the nagging feeling that if we had another baby, that maybe it would happen again to that baby. We got really lucky that Meg was old enough to be born, but what if it happened again and the next baby was born way too early? Could I live with the guilt of knowing that I got pregnant with a baby that has a high likelihood of having the same conditon? My doctor said that if and when we had another baby, I would have ultrasounds every other week, but I just don't know if that is security enough for me. For all the time I spent in the NICU, I couldn't imagine having a baby as small and sick as some of those babies were. I am so grateful that Meg is healthy and wonderful, but I have such fear. I plan to talk to my doctor in depth at my 6 week check up next week about this condition, but there is so little information. Until then, I will tuck my secret fears and guilt away- given that I am way too busy with my 5 week old to dwell on them- except in those quiet moments that are few and far between.